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3 Days Post Mastectomy

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So it has been 3 days since I underwent my nipple sparring skin sparring prophylactic double mastectomy and I will have to say I am doing very good with it all.  Any kind of surgery is hard to recover from and challenging but I definitely thought it would be way worse.  The hardest part was sitting up out of the bed.  Now on day 3, I can sit up on my own, do most of my daily normal activities but I still can not lift my arms higher than my shoulders.  Thankfully my hubs is strong and can lift me up when I need help.   He has been a wonderful nurse. Surgery only took about three hours, which I was surprised it wasn’t longer.  I went to the hospital early Wednesday morning.  I was the first patient scheduled for surgery that day.  After the IV was in and I was all prepped to go back to surgery, I was ridiculously calm.  They wheeled me back to the operating room that was ice cold and it was lit up with huge bright lights.  They also had dance music blaring in the room.  I said, “Oh my gosh, I love how cold it is in here and that it is a dance party in here!”  The anesthesiologist came in told me to take 15 breathes and I was out after the first breathe.  Speaking of being put under, when I was a little girl I had to have my tonsils removed.  All I remember about that surgery was this old lady that was a nurse was shaking me, and yelling at me saying I wasn’t being a good girl.  I guess I didn’t let her say that too much longer because I flailed my arm over and accidentally hit her.  Ever since then I literally have had the worst trouble waking up.  It is not intentional, I just think that mean old lady made me that way.  So I warned my anesthesiologist before I went back that I may have trouble waking up.  Sure enough I did, and he said he had to put me back out because of it.  Haha … Sorry! My expanders only have about 100cc of saline in them so they are small right now.  I have 4 drains in, 2 on each side, and everything I have heard about these things being annoying is so true.  Hopefully next week at my follow up appointment, I will be able to get a few or all of them taken out.  The doctors will put more saline in my expanders over the next few appointments.  I do not have any bruising right now, and the incision site looks great. When I woke up from surgery, I remember tears fell down as I was so relieved.  It is finally over and the worry/fear is gone!  The nurse asked me that morning how I was feeling.  I said I’m great and excited, then she got a puzzled look on her face.  “We don’t hear that often”.  When my doctor came in, the nurse said “Ashley is excited and ready”, my doctor said “It is rare but I know why she is ready for this.”  Someone understands why, finally!!  My doctors were phenomenal!  They said everything went great and that I would get results back from my tissue in about a week to see if there was any concern or cancer cells in the tissue. Unknown I do not regret this decision one bit, I am very glad I got this surgery.  This was the best decision for me and my life.  In being proactive, you don’t have to go to this extreme as I did, but just make sure you do your self breast exams, mammograms and yearly check ups. xoxo, Ashley

Goodbye to May

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You know how you just have the one terrible day that you can not wait for it to be over?  Yep, that would be basically all of May for me.  You would have honestly thought that I was a 9 month pregnant, hormonal, bipolar, hungry or hangry mad woman.  The battle of emotions I have had is unreal – I swear just ask my husband or those fabulous girls I work with that got to deal with me everyday.  I promise I do love you all who have had the pleasure of dealing with me.  This whole journey just goes to show me that my family and friends really are the best!  Thank you all and I appreciate all of the support you have given me.

At the beginning of the year, my doctor said that insurance would cover the surgery.  Awesome, sign me up!  After multiple hour long trips to my doctor’s office, appointments, research, talking with many girls my age or younger that have had this surgery, I could not wait to share my big news.  However, I wanted to keep it all in until it was closer to my surgery date because I know things can change in no time.  I have been crazy organized, prepared myself mentally and I was ready, I just needed to pack my bags.  At the beginning of this wonderful month of May, I hear the news that the surgery is denied.  I was devastated.  During the next few weeks it was one bad thing, after another, after another that just kept happening.  Weeks later, I finally get things straightened out, surgery is approved.  The same day that I got the exciting news, I leave work to go pick up my daughter and a semi decides to have a blow out in front of me.  All I see is a massive black tire shooting straight at me, and even though it messed up the front end of my car, I wasn’t going to let that get me down.  I swear I can’t make this stuff up.  I never wish time away, but I will be happy to be off this roller coaster month full of emotions that I have had.

With that being said, I hesitate to even sit here and say that two weeks from today I will be under the knife, but supposably it will happen.  I probably won’t believe it until I am there, but they have assured me it is approved.  So if this for some reason does not happen in two weeks, I know it is God’s timing and not mine.  If it doesn’t happen June 3rd, I can assure you that I will do everything I can in the future to have this done so that I can be here for my child(ren).

Now if everyone can say a prayer that this surgery actually will take place in two weeks (unless there is someone who needs emergency surgery, then it may be pushed back a little bit) I would greatly appreciate it.  I know I have been so ready for this, but I will actually admit I am very anxious/nervous at the same time.  I will update again before the scheduled surgery.  Fingers crossed everyone!
Goodbye May, Hello June!!!!! xoxo, Ashley

You can’t make everybody happy. You’re not a Nutella jar.

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I am certain I will get some funny comments as well on this decision, so before it starts I have to share this! It is too good and made me laugh. I am fully aware that everyone has their own opinion but what in the world are some of these people saying/thinking?  xoxo, Ashley

themutantdiaries

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I’ve stumbled upon this picture multiple times the past week and I giggle whenever I see it.  It’s so fitting too, to the post I’ve been toying with writing.  I’ve wanted to share some of the better ignorant and flat out stupid comments I’ve received in the wake of being in the public eye after my mastectomy.  One thing I don’t want people to think, however, is that these comments affected me in any way.  On the contrary, they made me laugh, and sometimes they made me pity those that were saying them.  So I thought I’d share some of the more laughable ones with you and my thoughts towards them.

“RIP to that glorious rack”
Sorry your love life sucks, bro.

“You’re such a pretty girl, why would you want to change that?”
This one came a while back, I actually have a full blog post devoted to it. …

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For the Girls With or Without Their Mommas

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Pink tulips for mother's day

It’s that time of the year that I have not been a fan of for a really, really long time – Mother’s Day.  As I was growing up and watching all my friends with their wonderful moms, making them gifts, going shopping for the most special present and spending the whole weekend with their families it was bittersweet for me.  I was happy, jealous, sad, heart broken, you name it I probably felt it.  I love all of my friend’s moms, they did more for me then I probably deserved.  They raised me like their own and I could not say thank you enough!

However, Mother’s Day is just a day to me that brings back the fact I don’t have my mom.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel these emotions every day but this day just rubs it in a little more.  I’m the girl without a mom, I’m the girl who everyone makes sure to check on and was invited over because they felt bad for me.  I’m the girl no one ever knows what to say to on this day. I never want sympathy, I just want to be normal and celebrate with my own mom and since that is not an option I would rather be by myself, watch lifetime movies, eat pizza, ice cream and cry most of the time.  Thankfully, I now somewhat look forward to this day as I am a new mom.  I am so happy God made me this little sweetheart’s momma.  She literally is the best and she is my world.  My favorite part is when I get those sweet handmade gifts she makes (with help of course), it just melts my heart.  Don’t we all love those cute little Mother’s Day crafts?  Most people have plans way in advance to celebrate this day but my ideal/perfect day would be a mommy daughter day of us just relaxing and playing at home.

To the girls with out momma’s – hang in there!! Try to stay positive and try not to be upset all day long but it is okay to be sad.  It is an emotional day!  It is only natural to have those feelings when someone so precious is taken away from you.  You really are not “fine” and you probably feel like no one could possibly understand how you feel.  Please know that you are not alone, unfortunately there are many of us who can relate to you.

Regardless if it is Mother’s day, prom, homecoming, graduation, picture day, holidays, your birthday, bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, birth of your child, or any and every other day of the week, it will always be hard not having her there.  Stay strong and always know she is always with you!  After you get the tears and sadness out of your system, go and start your day. Even if you are like me and would rather stay at home that is perfectly okay to do!

Regardless of your plans on this day:
1. Remember her gorgeous face and that infectious smile she had.
2. Make yourself feel good on this day.  Freshen up after the tears fall, do your make up, fix your hair, put on your dress clothes depending on your day (cute comfy dress clothes for church then change into your favorite sweatpants you can find right after like I would).
3. Take a little walk outside sometime on this day and smile up at her through the clouds/sunshine because she is looking down right at you smiling back.

Isn’t it such a relief knowing she is not in pain anymore and she is finally where she belongs in heaven?  She is in the most beautiful place but she is also with you every step of the way.  Talk to her daily and be sure to tell her all about your ups and downs, your heartbreaks, your friendships, school, your struggles, your job and everything else that happens because she is there for you.

To the girls with their momma’s 
1.  Go give your momma a hug and tell her how much you love her.
2.  If she is not in close reach, call her and tell her you love her.
This will definitely put a smile on her face!!
You have your best friend right there and you need to appreciate and cherish each day with her.  This goes for the guys too!  When she tells you to listen to her, listen.  When she gives you a shoulder to cry on, accept it.  When she wants a girls weekend shopping trip, drop what you had planned and go.  When she dances funny or sings off key, join her.  When she is feeling down, cheer her up.  When she is out for the day, leave her a little letter for her to see when she gets back.  When she is miles away, send her flowers and a card.  When she is weak, be strong for her.  When she is cheering for you on the sidelines, know she is your biggest fan.  When she cries, wipe her tears.  When you first see her for the day, give her a hug.  Don’t just do these things on Mother’s day but you should be doing this everyday.

You never know when it may be your last chance so make it count before it is too late!!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful mommas!  I pray you have a blessed day with your family and know that being a mom is the best thing in the entire world you could be.  Love your babies and they will love you back.  xoxo Ashley


Happy Mother’s Day to you mom!
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